


21 Candles Shy

by DemonzDust



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: 4th Grade Flashbacks, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Birthday, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Good Theo Raeken, Holidays, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secret Crush, Thanksgiving, Young Scott McCall (Teen Wolf), Young Theo Raeken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-26 10:53:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16680262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonzDust/pseuds/DemonzDust
Summary: Theo hasn’t celebrated his birthday since 4th grade, so he’s surprised when someone remembers it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this one for Theo Raeken Appreciation Week, and it might possibly be the softest thing I've ever written. That being said, I still wrote it, so of course there is some angst and referenced trauma. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It was a crisp November day. 

Dried leaves, swept by small gusts of blustering wind, tumbled along the streets of a small upstate New York town. The street, slightly damp from the previous night’s rain, was more crowded than it would be on another day. people scuried from shop to shop, picking up last minute items for the dinner to come.

The sun, that poked it’s way through the wispy white and grey cloudscape, would be setting soon and along with it would come a dull quiet.

Theo’s eyes followed a small boy and girl, pushing one another playfully along the sidewalk.  Their father was a few steps behind, phone stuck under his chin as he carried plastic shopping bags in one hand and fished keys from his pocket with the other.

To everyone around him, it was the day before Thanksgiving. A holiday, much like all the rest, that Theo hadn’t celebrated since he was nine. But it was more than that this year, because this year Thanksgiving fell on the twenty-third, which also made it his birthday. An occasion he celebrated even less than holidays.

Back when he’d lived in Beacon Hills, his parents had thrown large and elaborate birthday parties. All of the kids in his class were usually invited to pool parties, water parks, themed restaurants, whatever else was popular that year. There’d been paper hats, streamers, cakes with glowing candles, the works.

Theo had nothing more than blurred memories of them. The only birthday party he could remember in any detail had been the last one, and at that point the Dread Doctors had already entered his life.

That day he could remember. He could remember the buzz of talking around him, the chatter of children playing. Stiles Stilinski, hyped up on sugar, accidentally breaking a lamp with a wiffle ball bat at some point and his angry father taking him home early.

He could remember feeling like he was watching everything happen around him but through six feet of glass. Or like he wasn’t actually there.

 

*     *     *

_ He couldn’t tell what was real anymore.  _

_ Was this his actual life?  _

_ Or was his real life being strapped to an operating table, men in masks leering over him, impossibly strong hands holding him down, cold metal instruments prying him open? _

_ His parents and teachers said that the Doctors weren’t real. That they were nightmares. _

_ But they felt real. _

_ His family, his friends, this birthday party. That was what was beginning to feel like a dream.  _

_ He didn’t want to play any of the games that were being organized. He didn’t want to open presents.  _

_ The sounds and motion around him were jarring. His eyes and his head hurt. He felt dizzy and tired.  _

_ He just wanted to squeeze his eyes shut and clamp his hands over his ears. Make it all stop. But he knew if he did that his parents would be upset. _

_ So he forced himself to smile, even though every shriek of another child made his head feel like it was going to split in half. Opened bright-colored packages containing video games and skateboards that he couldn’t imagine ever wanting to use again. A bright green iPod mini from his parents. _

_ He’d really wanted one a few months back, but now the thought of sticking the earbuds inside his ears made him feel nauseous. _

_ He didn’t want anything stuck in him. _

_ He fed his cake to the dog when no one was looking. And then, at the first opportunity he had, he slipped upstairs and into his bedroom.  _

_ He left the door open a crack because he knew if he was alone, then  _ they _ could come for him.  _

_ They mostly came at night, but they’d come during the day a few times as well. _

_ He was never safe. _

_ He sat on the floor, his knees drawn up to his chest, his back leaning against his bed.  _

_ He thought about going into his parent’s bathroom to the medicine cabinet where they kept ibuprofen - but he wasn’t supposed to have it without permission.  _

_ His head hurt so much. _

_ “Hey…” a small voice had cautiously called to him. _

_ When he looked up from his knees he could see a pair of brown eyes peering at him through the crack in the door. _

_ Scott. _

_ “Theo, can I come in?” _

_ “Yeah.” Theo muttered. “But close the door behind you.” _

_ Scott nodded and slipped in. When he gently closed the door the sounds from below were muffled and the pain in his head abated a small amount. _

_ “Are you okay?” Scott asked, climbing down onto the floor next to him.  _

_ “Yeah.” Theo said automatically. _

_ It’s what he was supposed to say. If he said anything else, it would only lead to more questions that no one wanted the honest answers to. _

_ Lies were just easier at this point. _

_ Scott was quiet for a moment as he tilted his head to the side, softly observing him. _

_ When anyone else looked at him like that, scrutinizing him, it made Theo want to squirm away or punch them. But when Scott did it, it was different. _

_ There was no judgement in his eyes. _

_ “You know, it’s okay if you’re not.” _

_ Theo bit his lip. _

_ “No.” he answered, his arms tightening around his shins. _

_ “Do you want to talk about it?” _

_ Theo shook his head. _

_ “Okay…” Scott said. _

_ He didn’t sound frustrated. People were normally frustrated at that. _

_ “Do you...want a hug?” _

_ Theo thought about it. _

_ He wasn’t sure. He was starting to get an aversion to people touching him. But when he looked at the soft folds of fabric on Scott’s hoodie, he could remember a time, probably not that long ago, when he’d slipped off his skateboard and sprained his ankle. Scott had slung his arm around his neck and helped him walk the ten blocks home. _

_ He was starting to forget things like that. He was starting to forget a lot.  _

_ His memories swallowed up by the crushing wave of pain and darkness that overtook him every time they came. _

_ But he remembered that night with Scott. The soft pleasant scent of his sweat. The heavy beating of his heart as they slowly made their way home. Watching the sun set over the treetops as his limb sneakered foot scraped along the pavement. He remembered how his cheeks burned when Scott lowered him down onto the steps of his front porch and he felt Scott’s lips accidentally brush his neck. _

_ He was worried that if Scott hugged him now, he wouldn’t feel anything.  _

_ He didn’t feel anything when Tara hugged him anymore. He didn’t feel anything when his parents hugged him. Just numbness.  _

_ “I...I don’t know.” Theo answered. _

_ “Can I try?” Scott asked. “You can just say ‘stop’ if you want me to let go.” _

_ For some reason, that made Theo’s eyes blur with tears. _

_ “Okay.” he consented. _

_ Scott moved closer. Theo let him pull his arms out from around his legs, and slowly draw him into his arms. _

_ There was something so different in Scott’s touch. There was no expectation in it. Just softness and patience. Like he was willing to sit here as long as it took, and wouldn’t be angry if Theo suddenly pulled away. _

_ He found himself slowly relaxing into it. Burying his nose into the bunched hood around Scott’s neck.  _

_ Scott’s arms circled around his back. _

_ Before he knew it he was squeezing Scott’s waist, sobbing quietly into his collarbone. _

_ “It’s okay.” Scott whispered, gently stroking his back. “It’s okay…” _

_ “It’s not.” Theo admitted, tearfully. “It’s not okay. I’m not okay. Nothing is okay anymore.” _

_ “Theo…” _

_ “There’s something wrong with me, Scott.” he choked. “I just…I’m not right...” _

_ Scott squeezed him. _

_ “I’ve never thought there was anything wrong with you.” he whispered into his hair. “Why...why do you think that?” _

_ “My parents...my sister...I...I don’t love them anymore.” Theo choked. “I just can’t anymore. I want to. I just can’t. Nothing is right anymore. I just want it to stop...” _

_ “What to stop?” Scott asked, and Theo could tell he was now worried. _

_ Theo couldn’t speak. _

_ “Theo, you can tell me.”  _

_ But he never got to answer. _

_ At that moment they heard Scott’s father’s voice downstairs asking for him, and he didn’t sound like he was in the mood for waiting. _

_ Rafael McCall was never in the mood for waiting. His patience for his son, even on  a good day, was nonexistent, and it didn’t sound like today was a good day. _

_ Scott stiffened. _

_ “You should go.” Theo said, quickly wiping his eyes.  _

_ “But-” Scott started. _

_ “I don’t want them to find us like this.” Theo said. _

_ He didn’t have to explain why. _

_ A few months back Theo’d been sleeping over at Scott’s house. They’d been watching an action movie in the living room, Theo’d flicked a kernel of popcorn at him. It had turned into a lighthearted scuffle, nothing too rough because they both had asthma. Scott’s dad had walked in on them laughing, Scott pinning Theo’s wrists over his head on the floor.  _

_ Rafael had been furious. Neither of them understood why. _

_ After that night Theo wasn’t allowed to stay over anymore.  _

_ “Go.” Theo insisted, breaking away and wiping his eyes. _

_ “Can we talk later?” Scott asked as they reluctantly pulled apart. _

_ “Yeah.” Theo said, though he wasn’t sure we would be able to. _

_ Scott squeezed his arm comfortingly as he stood. Theo wanted to grab him and ask him to stay, but knew that he couldn’t. He didn’t want Rafael to rip Scott off of him like he had that night. _

_ He didn’t want his own parents to find him in his room crying while there was a party going on downstairs. _

*     *     *

He and Scott never did talk about it, because they didn’t have another chance.

Scott didn’t show up at school on Monday because he was in the hospital with a head injury. A week later everyone was talking about how Stiles mom died.

A month after that, Tara was dead as well. 

All of Theo’s birthdays afterward that had been spent alone, either in the confines of the Dread Doctors’ lair or in the home of whatever pair of faux-parents they had him setup with. 

The Dread Doctors often had him live with humans and attend school so that he would be socialized.

They needed him to be useful in that way.

So as far as his birthdays went, this one had the best he’d had in years.

The morning had been full of conflict. 

He and Scott, along with Liam, Malia, and Lydia, had only just barely managed to broker a temporary peace between two packs in the Adirondacks before Monroe’s people had sprung a surprise attack on them.

They’d made it out with no casualties, but only just barely. 

The conflict had started with the explosion of a wolfsbane laced grenade. Monroe was becoming desperate and more reckless as her forces crumbled and the three year war seemed like it might be coming to a close.

He’d almost been gunned down at point blank range. Scott had almost taken a wolfsbane bullet to the skull. Liam had nearly lost his leg to a bear trap. Malia had narrowly dodged a second explosion.

But they’d managed another day without any of that happening. There were grievous injuries suffered by the Adirondack packs and by Monroe’s people, but no deaths. Monroe has been foiled and without nearly as much carnage as here could have been - so it was a win.

But even more of a win for Theo was the second part of the day.

After the fight the pack had split up. He and Scott headed south to their next mission, while Liam and Malia escorted Lydia back to MIT so she could pass her finals. 

They’d spent the majority of the day driving through scenic rural towns, watching the last of the late autumn orange and golden leaves fall from the trees.

He hadn’t told Scott that the day was significant to him at all. He was just happy that, for the first time in years, he didn’t have to spend his birthday alone. Knowing that he deserved to be alone. Pretending to himself that he didn’t crave the company of others.

When the daylight started to fade, Scott had suggested they turn off the Thruway to stretch their legs and get a quick bite to eat. Which was what ended them up in the small, and slightly old-fashioned looking Hudson River town on the eve of Thanksgiving. 

The town itself was quaint but prosperous. The main street lined was with clean brick buildings, each not more than three stories tall. Pleasant storefronts bearing antiques, candles, and vintage clothing were clustered together around small restaurants and pubs. Each one with their turkey-oriented specials handwritten on chalkboards along the sidewalk. 

Theo could see an old but well-maintained movie theatre with only two screens and three films playing a little farther down the road.

“How about here?” Scott asked, stopping in front of an warmly lit pub.

There seemed to be a healthy amount of patrons inside.

“Sure.” Theo agreed, casually.

He didn’t really care where they ate. This place was as good as any other.

Though he was a bit confused as to why they were choosing a bar when there were plenty of other establishments open. Bars weren’t usually Scott’s first choice.


	2. Chapter 2

The interior was styled like an old German alehouse and today it was decorated with multi-colored corn and gourds. The windows were already trimmed with evergreen branches and white lights for the holidays to come. The patrons, all locals and probably regulars, were mostly clustered around the bar, Blithely swapping tales about the horrors of last minute trips to the grocery store and impending visits from relatives. 

Theo picked out a hightop table near the windows, while Scott walked over to the bar to get them menus.

He was surprised when Scott returned with two foamy-topped, amber-orange colored drinks in pint glasses.

“They had pumpkin beer.” he explained.

Theo let out an amused huff.

“You do remember that stuff won’t work on us right?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

“Yeah.” Scott said, sliding into his chair and setting the drinks down on the table. “But it wouldn’t be much of a twenty-first birthday if you didn’t have a drink to celebrate.”

Theo stared at him.

“You didn’t think I knew?” Scott asked, after a moment.

“I mean…” Theo said slowly. “How could you?”

“Your birthday was always near or on Thanksgiving when we were kids.” Scott explained. “You used to complain about how your parents always had you celebrate it a few weeks early and never on the actual day.”

“I did?”

“Yup.”

“I can’t believe you remember that.” he said, slowly dragging the beer towards himself. “I don’t.”

“You had a lot on your mind back then.”

It was hard for Theo not to feel an uncomfortable stirring sensation in his chest at that acknowledgement.

He never talked about fourth grade. Most of the pack, with the exception of Stiles, were happy to never bring it up. And Stiles only brought it up to take shots at him.

No one ever asked him about that time, because no one wanted to know.

Theo was okay with that.

He didn’t need anyone to know about all the times he’d been taken from his bed and carved up like a jack-o-lantern. How he’d squirm and cry under the knife. He didn’t need them to know that he’d eventually learned to just lay there and accept it. That as a confused nine-year-old, he’d somehow started to believe he deserved it. Wanted it. Enjoyed it. Consented to it.

It had taken him ten years to even start to reject that idea.

To this day, he would still wake up in the middle of the night, chest heaving, sweat rolling down his neck, completely and totally paralyzed with fear. 

He didn’t want them to know any of that.

But apparently, Scott did know some. Or at least, Scott speculated about it.

Theo wasn’t sure if he loved or hated that.

Unsure of how to respond, he brought the beer to his lips and took a long sip.

Not taking his eyes off him, Scott did the same.

It definitely tasted like pumpkin. Pumpkin and hops and...a bunch of starchy things Theo didn’t recognize.

“This stuff…” he said, as he put the glass back down on the table. “Is disgusting.”

“It really is.” Scott laughed. “How do people even drink beer at all?”

“I don’t know.” Theo laughed in return.

But they both continued to sip it anyway.

Scott slowly slipped into a conversation about a recent drunk phone call he’d received from Stiles at the FBI and they continued to drain their glasses.

It didn’t matter that they couldn’t get drunk. It felt good to sit there, drinking in a bar together. Eating dinner. Talking.

Normal.

Something that neither of them got to feel very often.

When he was alone with Scott like this, which he rarely had the opportunity to be, Theo found that he felt strangely peaceful and at ease, and he’d come to crave these moments over the past three years. 

When he was with just Scott, he didn’t have to be emotionally on guard, ready to brush off a casual remark about his character or his past. No jokes made at his expense. No discouragement.

He’d developed a pretty solid comradery with Liam over the past few years, but that was different. Very different. 

He’d take shots at Liam, Liam would take shots at him. They’d gotten more good natured and endearing with every mission they ran together. Hell, he was almost starting to think that he and Liam might be slowly becoming  _ friends _ . Which was odd and remarkable on its own. But it wasn’t like when he was with Scott.

When he was with just Scott, he was safe.

As the hour ticked by and the sun went down, the bar started to clear out. Most of the patrons had families and dinners to get to. The bartender dimmed the lights, and waitress went around asking people if they were planning to stick around or wanted to cash out.

Scott took the opportunity to order a piece of pecan pie.

“With two forks, please.” he said to the waitress with a smile as he handed her the desert menu.

“You got it.” she said with a wink.

“I figured you might want some.” Scott explained when Theo looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

Why did that make him feel a light searing sensation on his cheekbones?

He quickly took another sip of his beer.

“You know…” Scott started, his tone suddenly a bit heavier. “This morning, there were a few scrapes that I wasn’t sure how we were going to get out of.”

Theo could tell from the way that Scott brought it up that this was something he’d wanted to talk about since they sat down. 

It was rare for Scott to admit having a fear like that.

Theo knew that Scott worried, and that there were many times in the past few years when the darkness had pressed in so close around the pack and their allies it seemed impossible that they would ever make it out. He knew there were moments when Scott must have felt that way.

But even in the most hopeless of situations, Scott would keep his doubts to himself. He would appear immovable against the crushing dark, an endless wealth of strength in the face of impossible odds. Because he was the Alpha, and he had to. 

If he wavered, if he showed weakness or doubt, even if it was only for a moment, his pack would crumble. He held the crushing weight of the past the future, the fate of them and everyone they knew, on his shoulders. And he held it expertly.

Scott was so good at pretending that he was endlessly optimistic, that he never doubted or feared or worried about the future, that Theo often wondered if the rest pack were even aware at all that Scott had to retreat inwards for reassurance.

But Theo was aware. 

When he’d been pretending the same for the last however many years, it was hard not to notice when others were doing the same.

“Yeah,” Theo said, hoping to encourage Scott to continue. “Monroe can see that things are close to folding in on her. She knows she’s losing her footing, so she’s taking bigger risks hoping for a  payoff. Her Hail Marys are getting more and more desperate.”

“Mhmm.” Scott nodded. “I know that it’s a sign that all of this is coming to a close but...it does mean that things are probably going to get worse before they get better.”

Theo knew that it was true, and he knew that Scott was aware of the situation, but he was still shocked to hear him talk about it out loud.

But maybe Scott knew that he wasn’t as fragile as the rest of the pack in that regard. 

Maybe he knew that for Theo, it was different. That even the darkest days with Scott and his pack were brighter than the best of days with the Dread Doctors.

Maybe Scott trusted him enough to confide in him.

He felt his heart thudding a little faster at that thought.

“These past few years…” Scott went on, slowly. “They haven’t been easy. There have been times, like this morning, when I was almost certain that one of us wouldn’t make it out. And there have been times when I wondered if all of this was somehow my fault…”

“Scott…” Theo started, but Scott pushed forward.

“But even with all of that, there have been good things too.” he said. “Like spending this time really getting to be a pack, seeing the people we’ve helped, and…”

Scott paused and looked him deeply in the eyes before continuing.

“And...you.”

Theo stared at him. Not sure if he’d heard correctly.

“Seeing you grow.” Scott explained. “Watching you break past what so many people tried to make you. It’s been...it’s been one of the best things. It’s like, when I see you, and how good you’re doing, it reminds me that all of this fighting will be worth it in the end. You know?” 

Theo searched his brain for a response, but he had none.

Whatever he had expected Scott to say, it wasn’t this.

“I know that a lot of what we do, a lot of what  _ you _ do, isn’t easy for you.” Scott went on. “I don’t know what happened to you when we were younger... 

Theo swallowed hard as Scott continued.

He wasn’t ready for this conversation. Or any conversation like it.

“I don’t know what they did to you, but I  _ do  _ know that the deck was stacked impossibly hard against you. I know what it’s like to feel pushed into something that you never wanted to be, but you were so much younger than I was when people started pushing you. And you had no one. I really wish that I could have been there for you…”

“You  _ couldn’t _ have.” Theo suddenly found his voice, but it sounded odd and slightly scratchy. “And even if I’d been able to tell you, there would have been nothing you could have done about it. You can’t blame yourself for-”

“I know.” Scott interrupted. “I know that’s true. But it doesn’t matter, that’s not what I want to talk to you about. The point is, I know that things weren’t easy for you, and that they still aren’t easy for you now. But most people in your position would never have been able to come back from where you were a few years ago. They wouldn’t even have had the courage to try. But you did. And you should be proud of that, and of how far you’ve come.”

Theo’s mouth was too dry to talk. There was a strange and painful lump growing in his throat that he found difficult to swallow. 

“I was…” Scott continued, now a bit painfully. “I was really worried about you today. When those two hunters had you cornered. You don’t normally get yourself into that kind of a position, and when I saw what was happening, I just...I thought I might not get there in time.”

“You did, though.” Theo said. “And even if you hadn’t it wouldn’t be your fault..”

“Yeah, but I  _ thought  _ I might not. And it doesn’t matter if it’s not my fault, you would still be  _ dead _ .” There was an edge in Scott’s voice now. “And that  _ matters _ to me, Theo.”

At that point, Theo cast his gaze to down to his drink. He couldn't keep looking into Scott’s eyes and hearing him say things like that.

It made him feel too many things that he wasn’t used to feeling and didn’t know how to process.

“I know that it won’t be the last scrape I ever see you in.” Scott went on. “I know that it’s about to get a lot tougher, but when it does, I don’t want you to think that you getting hurt wouldn’t matter to me. It matters to me. _ You _ matter to me.”

_ I shouldn't. _

Theo couldn’t help but think. 

_ You have so many better people to worry about... _

What Scott said about him changing, was true, but that change had came with a price. 

The more Theo grew, the more he could feel the terrible weight of his past. The people he’d hurt.

The fear of facing what he’d done, the fear of _ feeling  _ that regret, it had kept him enslaved to the Dread Doctors and their path of darkness long after their experiments on him ceased.

His time beneath the ground had forced him to face some of it, but it wasn’t until he’d started working alongside Scott and his pack that he began to truly unfold a long suppressed range of emotions. 

The more his empathy grew, the more painful the truth of his past became. Now he knew just how much he shouldn’t matter to Scott. Just how undeserving of Scott’s concern he was.

But even knowing that he didn’t deserve Scott’s concern couldn’t stop the warm feeling from spreading through his chest as Scott continued to talk.

“I need you to be there with me when things come to a close.” Scott said, finally. “I need to see you celebrate a twenty-second birthday. And Theo...”

He put his hand on Theo’s arm, and Theo felt heat rise up his neck.

He knew Scott wanted him to look at him, so he slowly lifted his eyes.

“You know that...” he said, his voice soft, but firm. “You know that I’m here for you, right?”

Theo stared at him.

“Like,” Scott clarified. “Not just ‘I’ve got your back on the field’ I mean I’m here for you, if you ever want to talk. About what happened back then, or about anything at all.”

Theo bit his lip.

He didn’t know if he wanted to talk. He didn’t know if he would ever want to talk.

But the knowledge that Scott was willing to, that he  _ wanted _ to...

What would talking with Scott like that feel like?

“I’m not saying you have to, or that I expect you to, or anything like that.” Scott said, gently rubbing his thumb into Theo’s elbow in a way that sent a thousand jumbled sensations bouncing in Theo’s gut. “But I want you to know that I am here, and I would  _ never _ repeat anything you said to anyone. Okay?”

It was quiet for a long moment, in which Theo realized Scott was not going to speak again until he heard a response.

“Okay.” Theo replied quietly.

“One piece of pecan pie!”  The waitress’s cheery voice rang in Theo’s ears, harshly snapping him back to reality.

He’d almost forgotten where they were, or that anything else in the world existed.

“Thanks.” Scott said brightly.

He took his hand off Theo’s arm, and Theo found himself sorry for it.

He watched as Scott then searched his pockets for something.

“I don’t think they let you do candles in here.” Scott said, looking at the electric imitation candles that were flickering in the candleholders affixed to the wall.

It took Theo a moment to realize why Scott was even talking about candles at all.

“Oh.” Theo said. “That’s fine, really. I’m good.”

But when Scott’s hand emerged from his pocket, Theo saw that he was holding a silver lighter. It was emblazoned with the Argent family crest - a gift from Scott’s stepfather on his own twenty-first birthday only a few months back.

“Come here.” Scott whispered, holding his hand up between them, as if he were about to whisper a secret.

Theo leaned in, still a bit confused.

Scott brought the lighter up between them and lit it. Using his hand to shield the flickering light from the view of the bartender.

Theo felt the heat from the tiny flame and the pleasant scent of Scott’s breath fill his senses as Scott smiled.

“Make a wish.” he said, his eyes gleaming in the privately shared light.

Theo couldn’t think of something to wish for. 

Admitting his needs, his true desires, was not something that he did, even to himself. 

But there was gravity in the flickering light between them, and in the first moment he’d celebrated a birthday in more than ten years, and he didn’t want to let it slip through his fingers.

He closed his eyes and drew in a breath, searching for what it was that he wanted most.

He couldn’t find it in the form of a fully-articulated thought or vision, but as he was able to conjure up a strange feeling of what he wanted. 

It was indecipherable and distant from him, something he’d desired for a very long time but was terrified to look at.

He blew the small flickering flame out and wished only on the feeling he could only vaguely understand.

When he opened his eyes there was a small wisp of smoke curling up between him and a pair of warm dark brown eyes watching him.

And then it hit him. That thing he’d wanted. That thing he couldn’t bring himself to admit.

“Happy Birthday.” Scott said, tenderly before pulling back.

_ Oh no.  _

Theo’s mind reeled.

_ Oh, fuck no... _

He tried to keep his pulse even and steady, but his heart wanted to slam right out of his chest.

He wanted to take back his wish. He wanted to rewind to fifteen seconds ago when he lived in ignorance. 

He’d felt so good. He’d felt so safe.

But here it was again - the price of being in touch with his own feelings.

He wanted to deny it. He wanted to go on pretending that it wasn’t true.

But it was.

He was in love with someone that he didn’t even remotely deserve and could  _ never  _ have.

He suddenly couldn’t breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter will be up soon! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


	3. Chapter 3

“You know, this stuff kind of grows on you.” Scott said pleasantly as he finished the last of his beer. “Not as bad as the first few sips.”

Theo slowly picked up the dessert fork from the table and looked at the piece of pie in front of him.

He felt sick to his stomach, but he knew that he couldn’t show it.

“Uhuh, yeah…” Theo said, quickly taking a bite of the pie in front of him.

He knew that it was probably sweet and buttery and entirely delicious, but he couldn’t taste any of it.

All of his effort was focused on not letting his pulse rise.

He wanted to be alone. He needed to clear his head. He needed to think.

But if he suddenly got up and walked away it would be strange.

“So are we gonna grab some coffee and get back on the road?” he forced himself to ask, even though the thought of being in a car with Scott right now made him want to rip his own face off.

“Well….” Scott said. “We could get in a few more hours if you want. But we’ve got a few days to get down to Virginia so if we want to-”

It was then that Scott’s phone, that was laying face up on the table between them, lit up with a push notification.

[Liam]: So how’s your date with Theo going?   
[Liam]: Alpha getting laid tonight?

It was followed with a ridiculous set of ludely interpreted emojis ending in a wink.

Scott choked on the very last sip of his beer.

He snatched his phone up off the table, his face flushed. 

“Jesus fucking Christ Liam…” Scott burst into a flustered set of swearing. “Theo, I- _ fuck _ …that’s not what this is, I  _ told _ him that that’s not what this was going to be…”

“Is there…” Theo couldn’t stop himself from asking. “Some reason he’s asking that?”

“I told him I wanted to take you out for drinks for your birthday.” Scott said, still blushing. “He’s just being a total  _ ass _ . Too many missions with Stiles…”

Theo forced himself to laugh.

Scott’s fingers flew across the screen of his phone furiously, composing what Theo could only assume was a very heated and unhappy response, before stuffing the phone into his pocket.

“I’m really sorry, Theo.” Scott said. “That’s not what this is, that….he’s just being gross. That wasn’t my intention here and he knows it.”

“It’s fine.” Theo lied, forcing himself to look amused when he wasn’t even a little bit. “I mean, I knew he was just teasing.”

Except he hadn’t.

For that fraction of a second, he’d actually thought it was possible that Scott had wanted him like that. In that split moment he’d let himself think about what it might feel like to lean across the table and meld their lips together.

He hated himself for that. 

Both for the stupidity in actually thinking that it was possible, and for having the gall to want it to be true. 

Because even if there were the tiniest flicker of hope that Scott might one day return his feelings, Theo should never allow himself to be with him.

Scott deserved better.

He could feel his pulse rising in spite of his best efforts.

He couldn’t let Scott see how much this was affecting him. He needed to get away. And he needed to make it look casual.

“Yeah.’ he said, leaning back in his chair putting on his best expression of nonchalance. “Either teasing or entirely delusional.”

He took a long gulp from his glass, draining the remains of the beer so he didn’t have to look Scott in the eyes and gauge his response to the comment.

“I’m gonna hit the restroom.” he said, tossing his napkin onto the table. “You grab the check?”

“Sure.” Scott said somber and deflated, an embarrassed tinge still lighting his cheeks.

Theo saw Scott pull his phone out of his pocket and begin angrily texting again as he walked to the back of the bar.

He didn’t go to the restroom. Instead he pushed past the swinging doors into the kitchen.

He ignored the angry protests of the cook as he walked past him and out the back door into a private and mostly empty parking lot.

It was dark now, and cold out.

He’d left his jacket inside, so he had to stuff his hands into the pockets of his hoodie as he watched his heavy breath curl into white wisps before his eyes. 

He pulled his hood over his head and leaned against the brick wall of the tavern.

When had this happened? How had this happened?

But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that it had been this way for a very long time.

The sweet smile of the boy that had carried him home with a sprained ankle so many years ago. The calm voice that had talked him through his first asthma attack. The lips that had once mistakenly brushed his neck. The hands that had playfully pinned his wrists down onto a living room carpet and stirred sensations in him that he’d never felt before. The soft arms that had held him as he cried at his last birthday party.

All things that had stayed with him when nearly all of his other memories of that time had faded to black. 

The thing that he knew he needed to destroy to become a True Evil.

The person that had looked at him with compassion even after his betrayal. 

The person that gave him a chance at a second life. That chose to believe in him despite all of the reasons that he probably shouldn’t have.

The person whose gentle encouragement had given him strength to keep pushing forward and improving himself despite how much it hurt to do so.

All those times in the past three years when Scott would look at him in approval and he’d get that swooping sensation in his chest, the ache that he would feel when he’d watched Scott go off on his own to deal with his fears and worries in private. The desire to want to go after him.

It would have been  _ so  _ obvious to him, if he’d been watching someone else act that way.

Other people’s emotions were an open book to him, but not his own?

His feeling were a like a puzzle box that had been left out in the rain. Even when he started to slide the pieces around and get a sense of where they should be, the warped wood made it impossible for him to put them back together correctly.

He was never going to be right.

He was twenty-one years old and he still couldn’t talk about the things that were done to him before he was even ten.

He was never going to be able to tell the person that he loved how he felt.

He squeezed his eyes closed. Felt the cold air prick the insides of his lungs as he drew heavy breath.

Why did it have to be Scott?

Someone so kind and so perfect. So deserving of all the things that Theo was incapable of giving.

“Theo?” Scott’s concerned voice sounded in the kitchen.

It was met with an upruptuous roar from the cook.

“Is there some kind of a fire I don’t know about, son?” it howled. “This isn’t a public entrance!”

But Scott must have ignored him, because a moment later he was outside in the parking lot, looking around frantically as the first few flakes of snow started to fall from the sky.

He breathed a heavy sigh of relief when he saw him.

It was only then that Theo realized how incredibly unfair what he’d just done was.

They’d been ambushed that morning. They’d been ambushed  _ dozens _ of times in the past year.

Scott had literally  _ just _ said how he’d been worried about him getting hurt, and then he disappeared.

Selfish.

“Theo…” Scott breathed in heavy relief. “What are you doing out here?”

“Nothing.” Theo muttered. “Just getting some air.”

Scott didn’t buy it even for a moment. In a flash he was standing in front of him.

“Tell me what’s going on.” he insisted. “Was it that stupid text? Because I would never drag you on some date without your permission. And I certainly didn’t say anything gross like Liam implied, here I can show you exactly what I said earlier…”

He reached into his pocket for his phone, ready to hand over his text message history for Theo’s scrutiny.

But Theo didn’t need to see it. 

“No.” Theo said, quickly. “No, I completely believe you didn’t say anything like that…”

“Okay.” Scott said, leaving his phone in his pocket, and peering at him, this time less frantic and more concerned. “So then....what’s up?”

Theo looked down. There wasn’t enough room between them to look at the ground, so he found himself staring at Scott’s chest.

Scott also must have left his jacket at the table, because he was clothed in only his usual tshirt and open button down.

Theo shivered.

“Theo,  _ please _ .” Scott said, putting a hand on his elbow gently. “Whatever it is, you can tell me, I promise.”

“I-” Theo started, and he was shocked to hear the sound of his own voice, raspy with emotion. “I  _ can’t _ .”

Scott didn’t press him. He just waited.

Every bit as patient as he’d been eleven years ago on this same day.

“I want…” Theo pushed himself to say, his voice shaking. “I want to be able to talk to you.”

“I want to be able to to talk about the things that happened to me back then.”  Hot tears slid down his cheeks, stinging him in the cold. “And the things that I did afterwards, the  _ awful _ things that I did with the Dread Doctors that no one knows about...”

Scott nodded, his grip tightening on his arm.

“I want to hear.” Scott’s said, reassuringly.

“I…” Theo continued. “I know you do. But I just  _ can’t _ . Even though I want to.”

His hands were shaking in his pockets.

“Just like when you said that you wanted to be there for me, and that I could talk to you, all I wanted was to be able to say the same thing back to you. To tell you that when  _ you _ almost didn’t make it...it...scared me too. And I’m not used to feeling scared for someone else’s safety like that. It sucks. It really fucking sucks.”

“I know…” Scott said, understandingly.

“Of course you know.” Theo said with a bitter laugh. “You know because it’s what you feel every day even though you try not to show it. I wanted to tell you that back there in the bar. I wanted to say that you don’t have to hide that stuff from me. That I wouldn’t repeat anything you say to the rest of the pack.

“Theo, I  _ don’t  _ hide that stuff from you.” Scott said, and Theo could see in his eyes that he was being completely earnest. “You’re one of the few people that I know I can trust to not completely lose it if I’m feeling worried. I  _ need _ you in this pack. I need you as my friend.  _ That’s _ what I was trying to say back there.”

Theo swallowed.

_ Tell him you need him too, you stupid repressed asshole.  _ Theo’s internal voice screamed.  _ Say it. _

_ Tell him you’d be nowhere without him. That his encouragement was the only thing that kept you pushing forward when it seemed like things would only get worse if you kept pushing yourself to feel. _

“And you  _ did _ tell me that you’re here for me.” Scott  “Like, right here. Just now. A few moments ago.”

Theo let out a broken laugh, and felt Scott’s warm hand on is cheek, brushing away the stinging tears.

“I…” Theo said slowly, his eyes still cast downwards. “I need you too, Scott.”

“I know.” Scott whispered. “You didn’t have to say it out loud. I know you do. And Theo, it’s okay if there are things you want to talk about but can’t yet. Just because you feel like you can’t now, doesn’t mean that you’ll never be able to.”

“It’s been _ years  _ Scott.” Theo argued. “Years and I can’t even....”

“You will be able to one day.” Scott affirmed. “I know you will. And when you are, I’m going to be here to listen. Okay?”

“Okay.” Theo nodded, with a weak smile.

And he believed him.

They stayed like that for a few moments. Scott’s hand still lingering on his cheek. Theo wanting to turn his face into it’s warmth but not allowing himself.

Theo could tell Scott was thinking about something, and couldn’t decide if he wanted to say it or not.

“Theo…” he started, very cautiously. “Did you...want this to be a date?”

“ _ No _ .” Theo lied defensively.

But it was the poorest lie he’d ever told in his entire life.

His heart pounded guiltily in his chest, his cheeks flushed.

Scott’s eyes widened.

He was about to pull away, when Scott grabbed either side of his face pushed him against the wall. He brought their lips together. Theo closed his eyes.

His fingers tangled in the fabric of Scott’s shirt as he sighed into the kiss.

The bricks were hard and cold against his back, but he didn’t care. 

It was long time before they broke apart.

“I’ve wanted to do that since we were ten.” Scott breathed, his eyes closed as he leaned his forehead against Theo’s.

“But...’ Theo started, confused. “You said...

“This wasn’t a date because neither of us  _ asked _ for it to be.” Scott explained. “Not because I didn’t  _ want  _ it to be.”

“Why didn’t you ask?”

“Because, I didn’t want to put pressure on you.” Scott said, pulling back slightly to look him in the eyes. “And I didn’t want you to think that me being here for you was dependent on...something happening between us. It isn’t. I’d care about you either way. You’re pack.”

“But also…” Scott blushed. “I might have been a _ little  _ scared you’d say no.”

They both laughed.

Scott slipped his arm around Theo’s waist.

Theo returned the gesture.

“Lets go get the check.” Scott said. “And then, would you consider going on a real date with me?”

“What, like now?” Theo asked.

“Yeah.” Scott said, glancing over his shoulder at the glowing lights of the old movie theatre down the road. “Right now.”

“What’s playing?”

“Who cares?” Scott asked with a smirk.

“Not me.” Theo admitted, his heart thrumming in his chest.

He’d never been on a date before. He’d never even been to the movies with a friend.

They ended up seeing some teen vampire movie. Afterwards Theo wouldn’t be able to recount a single plot point or even the names of any of the characters, but he would remember the taste of Scott’s mouth and the scent of the buttery popcorn that Scott fed him playfully from his fingers.

_ Teen Death Immortal  _ was the single best movie he’d ever seen.

When they left the theatre, it was just past midnight, and the dark town was beginning to buz with the early morning energy of Black Friday.

When they turned their phones back on they were met with a flurry of missed calls and texts.

Stiles had gotten wind of Monroe’s next plot, and they needed to be in Virginia by morning.

Scott sighed as he read them over.

“Coffee and driving?” Theo asked, his mood not even remotely perturbed.

Scott looked at him, and when he did his eyes softened.

“Yeah.” he said, smiling. “Coffee and driving.”

They checked that Scott’s bike was secure in the back of Theo’s truck before climbing into the cab.

Theo read over his remaining messages while Scott searched for a station on the radio.

There were a few from Liam.

[Liam]: Hey Happy Birthday

There was a meekly attached birthday cake emoji.  


[Liam]: I really hope I didn’t like, fuck you over tonight.  
[Liam]: Scott’s pretty mad at me.

Theo glanced at Scott, just to make sure he was still preoccupied before texting him back.

[Theo]: Yeah, thanks for that.

Middle finger emoji.  
  
[Theo]: But we’re good.

He looked at Scott once more before quickly adding:

[Theo]: And just to answer your question, no your Alpha isn’t getting laid tonight.  
[Theo]: But he might get some head in the car later.

He added a winking smiley face.

[Theo]: Want me to put in a good word for you in the afterglow?  
[Liam]: …  
[Liam]: Theo  
[Liam]: TMI. Seriously.  
[Liam]: But congratulations.  
[Liam]: I guess.

Theo smirked with self satisfaction and pocketed his phone.

He had no intention of doing what he’d implied, or at least not doing it _ that night, _ but he couldn’t resist making Liam uncomfortable. 

It was the least he could do to repay him.

“Ready?” Scott asked, having found a station that suited him.

There was a sparkle in his eyes, a happiness that Theo’d rarely seen on him in the past few years.

He could only imagine that he must look the same way.

“Yeah.” he answered, an unfamiliar warmth spreading through his chest. “I’m ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Constructive comments are always welcome!
> 
> **More Scott x Theo fics by me:**   
>  [What Should Have Been Ours](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9862829/chapters/22131167)   
>  [Adoption](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7802056%0A%20rel=)   
>  [The Call](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11857773/chapters/26771910)   
>  [The Road After](https://archiveofourown.org/series/997737)
> 
> ...and more on my [works](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonzDust/works) page.
> 
> And if you're on Tumblr I share writing, art, gifs, ideas, and take requests on [my blog](https://https://demonzdust.tumblr.com/).  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> The remaining two chapters are already written, the second will be posted on Thursday and the third on Friday. 
> 
> Comments and constructive feedback is always very much appreciated.


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